Supermarket Sweep

I’VE always thought the contestants could do a bit better when dashing around the supermarket with their trolleys. If I was dashing around a supermarket with the aim of filling my trolley with the most expensive products, I’d be tearing down the spirits aisle grabbing a few bottles of 15 year old single malt whisky.

I do realise that Dale’s supermarket was carefully designed for the TV studio – there is unlikely to be any spirits above twenty pounds. Still, here are five tips that I feel would help the contestants do a bit better…

• Tip #1. Get rid of the underwear. Yes, that right, ditch the Y-Fronts, bras, knickers, thongs and string vests. Less weight is essential for speeding through the supermarket aisles and no underwear is advantageous. A shell suit, socks and useful footwear is all you need. Caution: make sure the shell suit is not see-through.

• Tip #2. Wear the right footwear. It makes no sense wearing a lightweight shell suit then messing up by wearing weighty footwear that’s more suitable for stomping on cockroaches. A light pair of trainers with a good sole grip and flexibility is the obvious choice. Caution: don’t be fooled by some trendy looking trainers that look stompy – you’re on Supermarket Sweep to compete in a trolley dash, not in a fashion show!

• Tip #3. Think small and expensive. Two chilled salmon fillets is likely to cost more than a four pack of toilet tissue. There’s no point in slinging large cheaper items into your trolley and ignoring the smaller premium priced products – if you do, your trolley will be full in no time and worth very little cash. You’ll also waste valuable time getting another trolley. Use your loaf, and whilst sprinting down bakery aisle, go for the Mr Kipling Angel Slices and not the large economy sliced bread!

• Tip #4. Use the Eddie the Eagle technique. This is done by sprinting with both hands on the trolley handle. Once you’ve gathered enough speed, lift your feet off the ground, put your body weight on the trolley and keep at a 45 degree angle. When executed correctly, you be speeding down the aisles like a bullet. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s the Eddie the Eagle supermarket trolley technique!

• Tip #5. Brakes on! Supermarket Sweep is all about speed and there will be times when you need to stop sharply to grab that valuable item off the shelf. The conventional way of stopping a shopping trolley does not cut it in this swift game, so make use of those lightweight trainers: use the rubber heels as brakes. Dig those heels in for an abrupt stop. Reversing will be redundant once you’ve mastered this braking technique and you’ll save valuable time. Remember: brakes are not just for transportation vehicles, they are for shopping too!

So there you have it, five tips for doing a bit better whilst dashing down the supermarket aisles. Follow them and there’s no doubt you’ll be crowned king or queen of the Supermarket Sweep.

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4. Persil Automatic: the failed washing machine experience from the 1980s

5. R Whites Lemonade: A short story of addiction

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