IT HAS been 32 years since my name change. I was once named Marathon but I am now named Snickers. Opal Fruits, a close friend of mine, also went through an unnecessary name change and has been plagued with an inferiority complex ever since. I find myself in the same boat as Opal Fruits. I am bringing this matter to you, my honourable judge, so you can hear and sympathise with the frustration and confusion I have endured over the past 32 years.
Firstly, everyone knew me as Marathon. I did not have any form of identity crisis when my name was Marathon. I was a successful bar of chocolate containing peanuts, caramel, nougat and chocolate. I made regular appearances on television commercials… honourable judge, you may recall seeing me during the 1970s and 1980s? I was associated with straplines like “comes up peanuts, slice after slice” and “Marathon really satisfies.” The public loved me and most importantly, I knew what I stood for – my identity was as solid as a concrete slab.
Senior management told me I needed to be aligned with the rest of Europe. I was totally dumbfounded when they told me my name would be changed to Snickers. I searched the dictionary to find out the meaning of snickers: the definition is to make a gentle high-pitched neigh in reference to a horse or an act or sound of snickering, whereas marathon is defined as a long-distance running race, strictly one of 26 miles 385 yards, or a long and difficult task. Honourable Judge, as you can see, I am not a horse! In connection with the word marathon, I am packed with energy and nutrients to enable the consumer to push through a marathon and complete long and difficult tasks. My current name, Snickers, has also been associated with ladies underwear… knickers!
I bring my case to you with the hope that you understand the pain and frustration I have endured for many years. In the words of pop artist Taylor Swift, I believe it’s time to shake it off; Snickers needs to go, and Marathon needs to come back!
I know my time remaining to plead my case is limited, but, honourable Judge, I would be grateful if you can review the final pieces of evidence below: footage of television commercials during the 1970s and 1980s when my name was Marathon. The last television commercial below, was recorded when I was forced to reveal my new identity in 1990; you can clearly see all the confusion it caused. I await with anxious anticipation for your final decision.