THE Honey Monster is a lovable, safe creature – there are no weapons for decapitation hidden in his fur or down his shorts. He’s a rather nice monster who’d not deliberately cause anyone harm. I say not deliberately because, let’s face it, he’s utterly clumsy!
The Honey Monster can’t help his clumsiness: his sheer size and body shape is no way built for swaying around tables or moving around without smashing-up something … or someone! Based on this important insight, careful thought needs to go into providing a physically stable, firmly cemented-down place to house the clumsy monster – consider the suggestions below, ignore them at your peril!
No to a house; Yes to a detached bungalow. It’s important to keep everything on one level when living with the Honey Monster – this is the first and most vital step. Don’t be tempted by a cheaper terraced house: if you are, not only will the clumsy monster break down walls in the terraced home, the neighbourhood walls and ceilings will be smashed to rubble too! Being a cheapster will only lead to more expense.
So you’ve bought a bungalow and now you need some furniture – you may think a few trips to IKEA will do the trick … wrong! The Honey Monster will smash through IKEA furniture like a bulldozer. The tip is this: don’t initially buy any furniture – in the meantime, clothes can be stored in a dedicated corner and sitting cross-legged would be the most practical option for seating. During this initial period, contact the makers of army tanks and the makers of JCB construction equipment – get them to knock-up some robust furniture that will survive the Honey Monster’s bashings. It won’t be cheap, but it’s worth it.
An absolute no-no is the presence of any doors – get rid of them at once and make sure any supporting walls are reinforced. For security reasons there needs to be a front and back door; make these are as wide as possible.
The absolute bare necessities are a fridge, gallons of cold milk, a stack of cereal bowls, spoons, and a regular, huge supply of Sugar Puffs. Once you’ve got these, the Honey Monster will be truly satisfied and happy in his new dwelling place. Of course there is still an element of risk with very few items dotted around the bungalow, but the risk is minimal in the scheme of things. The Honey Monster can roam around the bungalow with confidence knowing that the most major disaster could well be a trail of Sugar Puffs on the floor.
Treat dad with a gift of nostalgia this Father’s Day: Bid Daddy, World of Sport, The Milk Tray Man, The Ford Capri and lots more nostalgic memories in the hardback book, Section N Underpass. Click image below and delight dad:
Watch the Honey Monster in action by clicking the image below: