MR KIPLING is always busy. His name may suggest that he’s always heading off for a sleep but that’s very far from the truth: Cherry Bakewells, Jam Tarts, Manor House cakes, French Fancies and Apple Pies are just a few of the delights expertly made by Mr Kipling. He is no doubt a master of producing fine bakery goods that delight the public.
I’d really like to spend some time with Mr Kipling learning and perfecting how to make fine bakery items. I want to be as good as him: I want people to take a bite of my handmade cherry bakewell and say “Mmm this must be a Mr Kipling cherry bakewell” and “Mr Kipling certainly makes exceedingly good cakes!” In essence, I want to be an apprentice for Mr Kipling, not Lord Sugar.
My ambition is to arouse the tastebuds of residents of the quaint village with the sweet aroma of finely baked sweet goods floating out the windows of my bakehouse. The village will eventually become a visitor attraction drawing in people from all over the world. My bakehouse shop will always be busy and its turnover wouldn’t go unnoticed by the wealthy, rich and famous. My extensive range of delicious cakes would be distributed and sold throughout the nation as my popularity soars to unprecedented levels.
I want to be an apprentice but I have quite a big challenge: where do I find Mr Kipling? You would have thought that I would know where he resides by now: I’ve been watching his TV adverts and eating his cakes since 1974; I’ve been to many bakeries up and down the country but there’s no sign of him even though his cakes are everywhere! If only I had one of those old British Telecom phone books or the Yellow Pages. He seems to be a very elusive gentleman.
In order to fulfil my ambition, I must find him. Mr Kipling where are you? Please give me a clue: are you in the north, south, east or west of the country? What is your first name? Where did you learn your trade? Names of siblings? Clues, clues, I need clues, but please don’t give me any impossible ones like those that Ted Rogers read out on the quiz show 3-2-1.
So, as a last resort, I’m going down the sneaky whistleblower route. Mr Kipling is certainly not a one man band: he needs people to take deliveries of premium flour, sugar, plump fruits, free range eggs and a whole heap of other ingredients. He needs staff to weigh up ingredients, take the baked goods out the oven, decorate the cakes, pack them, load them onto trucks and let’s not forget all the essential administration.
If you are an employee of Mr Kipling, I’m requesting that you secretly contact me with details of where I can find him. It would also be helpful if you can describe what he looks like (photographic evidence would be better) and get his phone number. Once I’m face-to-face with Mr Kipling and he takes me under his wing, you’ll be handsomely rewarded. Rest assured, your identity will be kept anonymous. So, staff members of Mr Kipling, you know what to do: don’t hesitate and start whistleblowing… achieving my ambition depends on you.
The story of the search for Mr Kipling is in my retro hardback book, Section N Underpass, The Master Baker And the Tale Of Sandra The Nosey Parker!
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Goodness, I want a jam tart now! As a child, I always thought that the man who did the voiceovers in the adverts WAS the real Mr. Kipling! Or Mr. Pickling as I called him back then. My whole family loved Mr. K’s baked goodies. My mum would buy his cakes to serve up for our staff’s tea breaks. My bro adored the Viennese Whirls and the Battenberg cakes. For me it’s easier to say what I wasn’t keen on – the Manor House cake and Country Slices (my mum’s faves!) I loved those fruit pies with the custard inside. And he also used to do these flapjacks that I wouldn’t share with anyone! Since moving I’ve also had to hone my baking skills as a lot of things I grew up with aren’t available here. While I’m not doing such a bad job, I don’t think my bakes are at the exceedingly good stage just yet. So if you ever do track down the elusive Mr. Kipling – ask him if he’s willing to take on a second apprentice!
Funnily enough, I also thought the gent who was doing the voiceovers was the actual Mr Kipling! Now, those fruit pies with the custard inside… I’ve not seen them for quite a few years now so I wonder if Mr K decided that they were too complex and decided to ditch them? Of course I’ll ask Mr K if he’s willing to take on a second apprentice 😀
Cheers mate! Perhaps we should start a petition to get those custard fruit pies back. 🙂