Kleenex Velvet toilet tissue and some alternatives

YOUR BUM deserves to be treated well. When it comes to wiping it, you need a toilet tissue that not only cleans, but one that will leave your bum feeling normal – not sore and throbbing as if wiped with a Brillo pad!

A bum that has been well looked after with Kleenex Velvet is a happy bum – no itch, scratches or residue – just a clean, happy bum.

Don’t fancy splashing-out on premium quality Kleenex Velvet? There are alternatives. A word of warning: the alternatives may not be as good.

Alternative #1: Izal medicated toilet paper. Only use if you have a high pain tolerance. Easily mistaken for tracing paper. It is medicated for a reason: medication is necessary when you use this toilet tissue! Goodness knows why Izal was in almost every primary school toilet during the 1970s.

Alternative #2: A portion of kitchen towel or facial tissues. Now these alternatives are not bad, but it depends on their quality: if they’re a bit cheap and flimsy, then don’t be surprised if your hand is covered with excrement after wiping.

Alternative #3: Newspaper. Has the tendency to smear rather than clean. Newspaper would dish-out a pain level on par with Izal, but there could be huge pleasure wiping your bum with that fictitious article.

Alternative #4: A Flannel. In theory, this could be a good alternative. The important thing to remember is to keep the bum-wiping flannel well clear of the face-flannel – if both are in proximity to each other, then shitface could literally mean shitface!

Alternative #5: Your bare hands. This is the cheapest and most messy alternative. If this is your preferred option, then you’ll need to, a) use some seriously strong soap to wash your hands with, or, b) self-isolate … forever!

So now you have the alternatives, choice is yours. My advice is this: splash the cash and buy the 2-pack of Kleenex Velvet. Whilst the alternatives maybe tempting, you’ve got to ask yourself this: ‘Is it really worth the pain, hassle or isolation?’

Watch the Kleenex Velvet toilet tissue advert by clicking the image below


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3 thoughts on “Kleenex Velvet toilet tissue and some alternatives”

    1. Maybe the toilet paper they had was Izal. Lethal stuff but its selling point was the fact it was medicated.

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