On the Buses: Slackarse workers and survival

THEIR JOB ON THE BUSES was not that complicated. In the days when the open-back bus ruled, all what was needed to keep the wheels on the bus going round was a driver and conductor. Stan and Jack held those positions. They wore their uniforms with pride but their code and conduct needed a serious makeover. Still, somehow Stan and Jack managed to cling onto their jobs whilst continually being mischievous and naughty.

What are your chances of clinging onto your job when following the Stan & Jack technique of pushing the boundaries?

Boundary Number One: Spew out sexist backchat to your boss

Inspector Blakey had the fruitless task of trying to keep Stan and Jack in control.

Notice on board in canteen reads: ‘In view of the shortage of bus drivers, the company have decided to employ women drivers.’

Jack: Women drivers!

Stan: That’s a joke innit Blakey?

Blakey: The management have already agreed to it. Been all my idea actually.

Jack: Women – women bus drivers? Come off it Blakey, you’ll never be able to cope with them!

Blakey: Men or women mate they’re all the same to me.

Jack: Yeah we noticed that … always thought you were a bit kinky.

Trying to execute boundary number one will result in a verbal warning, written warning or dismissal if continued. Give it a go if you’re feeling brave and stupid.

Boundary Number Two: Serious damage to work equipment and surroundings.

It’s pretty unusual for the majority of employees to be trapped inside the home of a seductress and having to scramble out when her husband unexpectedly turns up. Luckily, Stan managed to escape and got into the driver’s seat in the bus outside. Shaking like a leaf, he flattens a telephone box and smashes-up the bus shelter whilst carrying out a three-point turn!

Maybe the next time something unexpected happens at work why not smash that company iPhone to bits with the heel of your shoe. If you’re feeling really energetic then go all-out and do some serious damage to that stationery cupboard with a hammer. Stan managed to keep his job but would you be able to cling onto yours?

Boundary Number 3: Squeezing in a bit of rompy pompy during working hours.

The scene: During working hours, Jack is inside a house having a bit of rompy pompy with a married lady. Blakey makes a unexpected visit on the bus route and sees the bus at a standstill with Stan sitting inside.

Blakey: Where’s your conductor?

Stan: Errm …ok ok … as a matter of fact … ohh here he comes now.

Jack is scurrying out the front door looking ruffled. Blakey sees him.

Blakey: What was he doing it that house?

Stan: Well he was answering a call of nature.

Blakey: Do you mean to say he’s been using that ladies facilities?

Stan: Well you could say that.

Being caught out having rompy pompy during work time is a big no no. The broom cupboard may seem tempting but if you get caught the boss will be sticking the broom up your behind whilst being marched out of the building.

To conclude

The Stan and Jack double act of pushing boundaries to breaking point worked to a certain degree and in fact achieved a high success rate. Sexist statements, serious damage to work equipment and squeezing in a bit of slap and tickle will certainly now lead to disciplinary proceedings in the HR department. Your chances of survival after pushing just one of the above boundaries are as thin and fragile as a Jacobs Cream Cracker. Still think you can pull it off? Make sure you have an extremely lenient boss or another job already lined-up!

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