WHEN it comes to romance, the acid test for whether or not someone is head over heels in love has nothing to do with physical attraction or being adventurous in the bedroom. Expensive jewellery, being wined and dined, and riding around in fancy cars that go very fast* also are pretty useless in assessing how much someone really loves you.
A more accurate measure of true love is if someone willingly and ungrudgingly gives you their last Rolo. A word of warning: don’t be fooled by someone who gives you their last Rolo with a frown on their face – there’s a good chance the kind offer is not genuine. Here are a few more telltale signs of someone pretending to love you when in fact they are a selfish chocolate gobbling machine only interested in themselves!
Attitude: Imagine this scenario: the last Rolo is on the table and your partner offers it to you. After accepting and popping the chocolate into your mouth, sneakily keep an eye on their face to establish if their offer was genuine. If their face has a look of ‘I wanted that!’ or ‘greedy pig’, then you know which side your bread is buttered. Use your smartphone to secretly scroll through Tinder in the hope of finding an upgrade.
The insult: Again, the last Rolo is on the table. Your partner offers you the last one, but, just as you’re about to chomp into it, they blurt out ‘Are you sure you really should be eating that as you’re looking chunky on the hips?’ No reply or verbal comeback required during this kind of awkward situation… just punch them in the face and eat the last Rolo!
No option: You’re not even offered the last Rolo! Like a mischievous greedy squirrel, your significant other has already gobbled down most of the chocolates. To really take the biscuit, they’ve grabbed the last one and shoved it into their mouth! They then sit chewing loudly with a smug look on their face. You watch whilst fuming inside, hoping that they choke and vomit-up the entire contents of their chocolate filled stomach.
The Rolo test works so if in doubt give it a try. In a nutshell, the test weeds out the fake from the genuine.
*fancy cars that go very fast – taken from the Madonna song Express Yourself. In her song, she also states ‘don’t go for second best …’ – wise words from the queen of music.
Section N Underpass: the retro book with enough clout to send you flying back through the 80s and 70s…
The Green Cross Code man is stuck in the Section N Underpass. His body language cuts a frustrated figure when told about the reckless way people cross the streets in the modern world.
Her name is Sandra. Since her retirement, her sole mission is to dig-up gossip and delve into other people’s business. Her latest mission: to find out the identity of the baker who makes exceedingly good cakes and be the first to reveal all the details to the entire village!
Wilma Silver is the wayward slap-you-in-the-face reporter who has ambitions to become the editor of Smash Hits magazine. Will she make it, or will her take-no-shit attitude put the brakes on her career?
Miss Hastings, ex-schoolteacher, explains how she perfected the act of launching the board-eraser at naughty pupils with devastating accuracy.
Rather than dashing to the surgery when you have a minor ailment, Dr Daniels advises us to gulp-down the sparking glucose drink, Lucozade, to aid recovery.
A routine train journey ends-up at an unexpected final destination for Carton Krane. A destination where mobile phones don’t exist, cars run on four-star-leaded petrol and the only channels on television are BBC1, BBC2 and ITV. A destination where sport rules on a Saturday afternoon as residents tune-into Grandstand and World of Sport. What will Carlton make of his new life in the Section N Underpass? Will he scheme-up a plan for a swift exit or will he stay-put?
Inside the Section N Underpass…
The Freeman Hardy Willis shoebox – Mr Kipling: The master baker and the tale of Sandra the nosey parker! – Making and consuming Angel Delight by Mrs Dolly Enright – Cadbury’s Milk Tray … all because the lady loves Milk Tray – Lucozade: In sickness and health – enthusiastic advice from general practitioner Davis J Daniels – Wall’s Ice Cream: Keeping -cool during the scorching hot summer – Beanz Meanz Heinz – Grandstand or World or Sport? Sport rules on Saturday afternoon – How to win at Monopoly: The cheat sheet – Smash Hits: Lester Drake talks to the bitch with the notepad – The name is Vic: held captive by the Vic 20 home computer – The Raleigh Chopper: stretching the imagination – Ready Brek: central – heating for Harry – My preferred choice of weapon by Mrs J Hastings – Ian’s survival plan whilst at Grange Hill – The Allegro, the Ambassador, Sel the mechanic and Castrol motor oil – The Ford Capri: a short tale of a regretful taxi driver – The Green Cross Code Man – the helpless gent – John Stoneyleigh-Smith is the voice of Access – Your flexible friend – A brief history of British Telecom told by Eastender Scott Manning – Matey to the rescue – The big clean-up with Judy Jacobson – Brut aftershave: Homme de France with attitude – Maxwell House coffee
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