My real name is Marathon: plea for a name change with Brexit on the horizon

IT’S been 29 years since my name change. I was once named Marathon but I am now named Snickers. Opal Fruits, a close friend of mine, also went through an unnecessary name change and has been plagued with an inferiority complex ever since. I find myself in the same boat as Opal Fruits. I am bringing this matter to you, my honourable judge, so you can hear and sympathise with the challenge and tribulation I have had over the past 29 years.

Firstly, everyone knew me as Marathon. I did not have any form of identity-crisis when my name was Marathon. I was a successful bar of chocolate containing peanuts, caramel, nougat and chocolate. I made regular appearances on television commercials: honourable judge, you may recall seeing me during the 1970s and 1980s? I was associated with straplines like comes up peanuts, slice after slice and Marathon really satisfies. The public loved me and most importantly, I knew what I stood for – my identity was as solid as a concrete slab.

Senior management told me I needed to be aligned with the rest of Europe. I was totally dumbfounded when they told me my name would be changed to Snickers. I searched the dictionary to find out the meaning of snickers: the definintion is to make a gentle high-pitched neigh in reference to a horse or an act or sound of snickering, whereas marathon is defined as a long-distance running race, strictly one of 26 miles 385 yards or a long and difficult task. Honourable Judge, as you can see, I am not a horse! In connection with the word marathon, I am packed with energy and nutrients to enable the consumer to push-through a marathon and complete long and difficult tasks. My name, Snickers, has also been associated with ladies underwear – knickers!

I have brought my case to you with the hope that you understand the pain and frustration I have endured for many years. In the words of pop artist Taylor Swift, I believe it’s time to shake it off; Snickers needs to go and Marathon needs to come back. It is the appropriate time to bring my case to you: Brexit is on the horizon and to coincide, I would like to break away from the European Union. My honourable judge, there would be no trade deals needed, no lengthy meetings and no major financial downturn if my plea is successful. I would also like to stress that my case should not cause any political unrest amongst key- political people – there will be no imaginary P45’s handed-out, no milkshakes being thrown and no recordings of domestic arguments. In terms of timescales, the change back to my original name could take place well before the country leaves the European Union.

I know my time to plead my case is limited, but, honourable Judge, I would be grateful if you can review the final pieces of evidence below: footage of television commercials during the 1970s and 1980s when my name was Marathon. The last television commercial below, was recorded when I was forced to reveal my new identity in 1990; you can clearly see all the confusion it caused. I await with anxious anticipation for your final decision.

 


 

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