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Tales of the Unexpected: A Wicked Trick!

PLEASE STOP! I can’t take anymore – it’s THAT music – make it stop! It sends a shiver down my bony spine as it plays on and on. My eyes bulge as the opening title starts. I stare at her silhouette – incredibly sexy, calm and enticing whilst dancing in the flames. My eyes don’t shift from her as she invites me to come dance. I hesitantly refuse. I dare not move but I’m subtlety being drawn in to her world and that music still won’t stop!



Too late – I’ve been sucked into her world! Things have taken a sinister turn for the worse and I have choices to make.

I see the revolver spinning but I don’t want this game of Russian Roulette to drag on. I hope it will stop in my direction and … Bang! At least it will be over and done with and that music will stop. Typical of my luck, the revolver keeps on spinning. I reach for it to take matters into my own hands but it’s just out of reach.

Next I’m faced with a roulette wheel. I’m not a gambler – my limited gambling experience is based on watching ‘Play Your Cards Right’ on TV, screaming ‘Higher’ and ‘Lower’ as Bruce flipped the cards. Now I have a choice … Black or Red. I’m determined to put an end to the torturous music so I go for Black 13 – surely this must work! I fail to succeed again and I’m whisked off to view some tarot cards. Surely the end must the near but the torture continues as the cards keep rotating!

I’m then whisked past a collection of skulls and within a split second, the music stops … Phew!




All is calm. I’m not sure how I got here but I’m in a rather cosy living room next to a roaring fire. I know the man relaxing in the armchair by the fire – one of my favourite authors. I loved James and the Giant Peach!

I’m safe. I’m not sure what happened before but it’s all done and dusted now and I’m actually relieved to still be alive.

I’m confused as the man in the armchair starts talking mumbo jumbo. He has a sly look on his face but I ignore him and warm myself up in front of the roaring fire. The shiver down my spine slowly disappears as I get comfy in the serenity of this cosy room.

It’s not long before I’m being sucked into the flames of the roaring fire. My eyes bulge as the man in the armchair gets smaller in the distance. Then that music starts again. Her dancing silhouette … me not wanting to dance. I reach for the revolver but it’s still just out of reach. The roulette wheel … ‘Black 13 … Black 13’ I scream but it just keeps spinning. The same loop … I still don’t want to dance … I stretch harder to reach the revolver, but fail again. ‘Damn it Black 13’! The loop continues …

I get a glimpse of the man in the armchair in the distance. I beg him to please stop the music. He looks at me, smiles, leans back in his armchair, then and slowly nods off!



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The Milk Tray man: a warning for men on valentine’s day

HE’S cool, he’s mysterious and handsome. He’s athletic, tall and dark. The mysterious dark handsome one displays his athleticism by confidently diving into the sea from a great height. Once in the sea, he skilfully evades the danger of a lurking shark. He’s on a mission and there’s no time for sharks play until his mission is accomplished.

Arriving at his destination a tad wet but still looking handsome, he opens his briefcase and places a box of chocolates and his calling card by the bed. Mission accomplished. The milk tray man shows some nifty footwork as he exits his destination without a trace. Now that his mission is accomplished, it’s time for a little sharks play as he dives back into the sea to have a bit of fun with his toothy friend.


Milk tray


The mysterious one does all this just because the lady loves Milk Tray.

So who is ‘The Lady’? Hopefully not his wife – I can’t imagine it’s any fun having your husband sneak in, drop off a box of chocolates whilst leaving a trail of salty water on the floor, then sneaking out! On second thoughts that may sound quite appealing to some ladies …

original mt


Likely conclusion

It’s more likely that he was known to women all over the world –  they knew he was handsome, mysterious and knows how to keep a box of chocolates dry. Ladies would head into the shower (long and slow), hoping that when they’d returned to the bedroom, a box of chocolates and calling card would be by the bed. They would lie awake pondering, hoping they would meet him face to face followed by thoughts of exchanging wedding vows with him.


Do not copy him!

Just a few wise words to the men reading – the milk tray man was cool – he had an aura of irresistibility and indestructability. He also knew what a lady loves. Men are always looking for new ways to charm the ladies (don’t deny it). ‘The old ways are the best’ I hear you say, but trust me on this one, do not get kitted up in black and try sneaking into a womans bedroom to leave her a box of chocolates! Just because it worked for the milk tray man it does not mean it will work for you … actually I’m 100% certain it won’t work! Try explaining to the police that you were innocently climbing through her bedroom window late at night to deliver a box of chocolates!




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Bullseye: A short tribute to Jim Bowen

INNNN One … Wake up to a hot cuppa with this fantastic Teasmaid.

Innnn Two … Never have a cold sandwich again with this Sandwich Toaster.

Innnn Three … Wash days are never a chore with this automatic Washing Machine.

Innnn Four … Enjoy your favourite tunes in style … its a Midi Hifi system.

Innnn Five … Say Cheese! Capture every moment with this 35mm Camera.

Innnn Six … Dine like royalty with this Cutlery set

Innnn Seven … Flick through channels in your armchair with this 14-inch remote control colour TV.

Innnn Eight … Red or White? The choice is yours with these Wine glasses.

And Bully’s special prize … Let those dishes wash themselves with this automatic Dishwasher!’





The one and only Jim Bowen

I’d always look forward to tuning into Bullseye on a Sunday afternoon. Jim Bowen was always smartly dressed. He’d sport huge slightly tinted glasses and reeled off one-liners that made us chuckle. Jim was the perfect host for Bullseye – mention Jim to anyone and he’d be instantly linked to Bullseye. Let’s face it, Bullseye without Jim would be like a Sunday Roast with just veg and gravy. Sunday afternoons meant we could forget that the weekend was coming to a close, kick back and enjoy a bit of bully. Jim’s ability to connect with the contestants, audience and viewers made Bullseye essential Sunday afternoon viewing



The fun of counting cash

Thirty pounds was not to be sniffed at back in the 80s – that’s how much a contestant got for getting a question right in the initial rounds. If the contestant didn’t progress to the next round, no worries – hopefully they would have won some cash … £120 … £175 or maybe just over £200. The cash for the contestants (who didn’t make it through to the latter rounds) would be counted up by Jim – it took him the entire commercial break to count it! Counting out cash during the commercial break was Jim’s signature action whilst we grabbed a cuppa.




Fond memories

You really couldn’t beat a bit of Bully. I smile when I drift off into my own little world and think of those darts flying (sometimes wildly) towards the board. My broad smile then turns into a chuckle as I imagine being transported back to Sunday afternoons in the 80s and 90s. RIP Jim Bowen – great guy and fab gameshow host. Darts, fun, counting cash, boats, prize boards, keeping out the black and staying in the red – Jim Bowen.




On the gameshow roll? Read: Nostalgic TV: Play Your Cards Right

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Brut – Splash it all over! Taming of the Brut

BRUT! He’s not subtle but abrupt. He’s direct. He’s the rude individual who’s just slapped you across the face and walked off with a swagger. You may try to ignore him – hoping he’ll would disappear down the bathroom sink but this homme de France has staying power. He has his chest puffed out with the look of ‘I’m here to stay so get over it!’

Love him or hate him, men have been splashing him all over for decades. Henry Cooper and Barry Sheene are some of the sports personalities who have championed Brut. Del Boy even wished he had an emergency Brut capsule to splash on when he spotted his ex in the local.




Curiosity killed the cat

I’m a bit of a curious chap. I know curiosity ended the life of our four legged house pet but I’m still here to tell the tale. I noticed him on the top shelf in the supermarket. I looked at him with interest but he didn’t even acknowledge my look of curiosity. In fact he didn’t even look at me at all! He sat at the summit in his green outer garment admiring himself, knowing he’d be stinging someone’s cheeks sooner rather than later.

I didn’t hesitate … why should I? He has a reputation and I needed to satisfy my curiosity!

After shaving (with a new blade), the time had come. I braced myself before slapping him onto my closely shaven face. There was a gentle sting. I was expecting a sting intensity of 10 (on the 1 to 10 scale) – like being stung by a bunch of angry bees. Instead the sting intensity level was more like a 3! I glanced up at him and gave him a look of ‘you’re not as tough as you look’ and slapped more onto my cheeks.

I remember in the 70s when my brother slapped on the Brut we all knew about it –  the abrupt green eyed homme de France flooded every corner of our rather large house with its aroma. Not quite the same now though – his lingering aroma was restricted to my face and bathroom.


The verdict

Well I finished off the abrupt one within a month. All what’s left is his empty glass shell that’s heading to the recycle bin. My curiosity had been satisfied. Maybe back in 70s he was more feisty and would have taught me a severe lesson … they do say we mellow as we progress in years.

Well my abrupt, arrogant friend is actually quite nice once you get to know him. His twin brother nodded at me from the top shelf of the supermarket during the week. I smiled and nodded back – mutual respect. Respect the Brut!